So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
