I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
