Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We left the knife in your bed.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
