I met the friendliest cop last night
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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