I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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