Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
