Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
