I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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