Do you still have your period?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
