But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
