WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
