Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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