I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
