i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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