I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
