Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
