Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
