nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
