The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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