Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
