NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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