WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
