i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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