oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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