i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
