Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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