I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
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