My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We need a shit load of segways right now
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
