She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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