My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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