im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
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