What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
