Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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