drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
we're so committed to being not committed
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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