Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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