I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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