Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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