ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
