I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
