i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
