Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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