I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
