OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
