she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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