Im at strip club and am horny
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
