I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My penis needs a shock collar
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
