I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i out mim tonsoeep
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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