I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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