Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
