I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
