when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
