Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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